Growing up, like every other girl I dreamt of one big family, but fate always has other plans. Nothing I could do about, but not something I regret being. The title of being a single parent maybe a taboo still but it’s a title I wear with pride.

Is it an easy job? Nope, not at all, being a mother as it is taxing and to be both father and mother to a kid is overwhelming. You have to be strict one minute and the next minute soften up and pamper the kid…or to say pet the kid, as my son calls it.

They say, it takes a village to bring up a child and then suddenly you become the village, multiple roles to play. Overnight you become resilient, empowered, independent and an epitome of patience. My son was a year old when I decided I want to complete my education and start working. I am an MBA graduate. Not by choice, but my first job was in corporate psychology. It fascinated me so much that the very year I graduated in my masters, I enrolled in B. Sc., psychology. Before I could finish it, marriage happened and rest is history.

When my son turned one something changed, I did not want to be the woman who is living on her father’s name and money. I wanted to try to become a role model to my child. Wanted him to know, end of a relationship does not mean end of life, life goes on and you come out stronger and mightier than ever. B.Sc., happened, M.Sc., happened and that’s when I understand to be in the medical field you have no choice but to keep studying, did my specialisations, psychotherapy and the other being child and adolescent counselling all of this juggling between jobs and the toddler. There was help, my father was rock solid, if not for him I would not have achieved half of what I have achieved today. I wanted to work but I was not ready to give up on the time I had with my son.

Being a single mother takes the strength of steel to sail by, it’s not easy, the society does not make it easy, the work place does not make it easy, every step is questioned, doubted and looked at like wanting to become single is for the freedom to roam around. The pain and the sacrifice is always looked over and everything boils down to you should have adjusted atleast for the child’s sake, but they seldom know it’s my child who taught me to live.

Here are a few major challenges most of us single mothers face…

The load of decision making – In most cases the burden of decision is on the single parent, there is no one to discuss or enlighten the pros and cons of the outcome of the decision. There is a lot of fear attached to the decision, cos if I fail in making the right decision I bring my child down along.

Identity crisis – Usually we play one role at a time, a daughter, a friend or granddaughter but in this case, I am both the parent. The feminine side slowly changes masculine to bear the weight of being both the parent. The dual role that has to be played at a time gets very consuming, it gets extremely overbearing and overwhelming at times.

Lack of buffer period – This is the one that hits me hard, the buffering time I have to switch between emotions is very limited. One minute I am stressing out and crying over a situation but the next, I have to smile like nothing happened because my son should not see me sad. This is so taxing that over the years I have become numb to many emotions. It’s mostly pretend and play, I play and pretend like nothing happened, nothing hurts and all is fine.

Unseen loneliness – Though I have a little human around me 24*7, he is absolutely wonderful, no complains but still the extra responsibilities, fear of failure, constant scrutiny…all this isolates me at times. I am not alone but I definitely feel lonely.

Staying sane through all this has become a way of life, an art I can say. I do doubt myself at times, I break down in the pressure and weight of responsibilities but I have no other choice than to get up and stand strong to build a future for my son. With the birth of my son, I feel I have become a better person, I have become empathetic, I relate and resonate to people, I connect with my clients much better because I now know how it feels to be lonely in a crowd, how much I want to be heard.

Wearing many hats made me strong to a point that sometimes I don’t recognise my true self, morning rushes, financial weights, lack of emotional support, it definitely drains me but at the end of the day when I see my son smile, the endless times he calls me amma amma for no reason, the hugs, the undivided love that I get, just makes every struggle worth it.

Gratitude is a very strong word and all I have for my son is that. At an age he can understand nothing, he tried to understand the little things he could and help me achieve all that I could. If I have any recognition today it is because he chose to support me in the little ways he could. When Covid hit, all sessions were online, every time I told him Amma is starting a session, he supported me keeping himself occupied with toys and never once disturbing me. He is my biggest ego boost. The way he tells me how beautiful I am every time I get ready to step out keeps me going. He is my biggest cheerleader and my biggest strength. My Samar Veer.

– Sandhya Krishnan is a Psychologist, Child and Adolescent Counsellor.