We humans are communal creatures; social relationships and closeness with others benefit our hearts, minds, and bodies. But as our work and family responsibilities increase, it is easy to let maintaining friendships slide down the priority list. Some people are so infatuated with their spouse or so fulfilled by their children that they don’t feel the urge to connect with friends at all. Alternatively, a person might be overwhelmed with the pressures of work, and deal with it by disconnecting completely when they get home, preferring to watch TV over human interaction. After enough invitations to hang out are declined, and enough texts go unanswered, the friendship dissolves and goes into the category of “We lost touch”. But supportive friends are essential to our wellbeing, so it is worthwhile to nurture your friendships just as you do your family and career.

Staying in touch is not all there is to maintaining friendships. When we are younger, we wear our emotions on our sleeve and are much more likely to express disappointment and have it out with a friend if we are unhappy with them – I’m not saying it’s handled maturely, but at least it’s out in the open! However, as adults, we prefer to avoid confrontation or uncomfortable discussions, and we may feel silly or needy for having certain expectations. In these cases, distance forms from resentment that slowly builds and is never addressed. That is why it is worthwhile for you to examine yourself and your interactions to assess if you are a strong friend, or if there is scope to improve. And please note that I am evaluating friendships based on quality and not quantity. There is a tendency to focus on the latter: how many people post on Instagram for your birthday, or how many show up to your party. But being popular is not the same as being good at friendship. Reliability, active listening, empathy, thoughtfulness, consideration: these are some of the pillars of being an awesome friend.

Let’s imagine that you receive a phone call from a girlfriend. She is calling to vent because she is overwhelmed at home: her husband is traveling, leaving her alone to handle two kids, one child has been unwell for over a week, and her cook did not show up. After listening to her, do you respond by telling her you know exactly how she feels, because just last month your child was severely ill as well? Or does your response keep the focus on her, telling her you can hear how stressed she sounds, that you feel for her, and then offer some help? Putting it in writing like this makes the correct answer very obvious. But in reality, there are so many people who upon hearing someone else relate an experience, immediately respond by declaring they have experienced the same thing, and then narrating it in detail. It doesn’t always mean that you are self-centered; you probably think you are showing empathy by saying “Hey, I’ve been there!” But unless you follow that up with redirecting the focus back to the other person, you are not being a caring friend or an active listener. What that person wants in this moment is to feel heard, to have someone bear witness to the fact that they are suffering. In other words, not, “I’ve been there” but, “That sounds really awful and I am so sorry you are going through this.”

And as for the offering help part, remember that there is a big difference between help and unsolicited advice. The latter would be to say “You should really try homeopathy for your son, I’ll give you my doctor’s number.” Again, your intention is good, but how does that help her now when the child is already sick? Saying “What can I do to help you?” is a great start and that alone will make her feel supported. If you want to be an even stronger friend, skip the question part and instead tell her what you plan to do to help her, like sending her a tiffin carrier of food so she doesn’t have to stress about the cook not showing up, or having her other child come to your house so she can focus on the unwell one. If you’re not in a position to help in any way, that’s okay. Your words of comfort and support will go a long way in this moment, and you can continue to be a good friend though another one of the cornerstones of strong friendships: following up.

Let’s continue with the hypothetical situation of the same harried mom who called you during a particularly difficult time. You comforted her and offered some help, but she said it’s okay and that she will manage, she just needed to vent. After a few days, does it cross your mind to check in with her? Or did you see on Instagram that her husband is back in town, so she must be doing better? Or perhaps you have been caught up in your own busy schedule, making it difficult to call. This is when we have to be thankful for technology and how it gives us so many low-effort ways to stay connected. It’s perfectly acceptable to not have had time to call, but instead of no contact, you can send a text or voice note. Ask specific questions like if her child has recovered, has her maid returned, or keep it simple with “Thinking of you, hope things are better now.” A lighter version would be to send her a funny GIF or a photo of you two from a fun night, with a caption promising to take her out soon to blow off some steam. Feeling like your friend is there to listen and support you when you need it is comforting and reassuring; realizing that they continue to think about you and genuinely care about how things are going since that conversation, takes the friendship up to the “friends like family” level. However small or big the matter was, following up with a friend on whatever they spoke to you about last goes a long way in cementing friendships.

There are lots of other small ways to strengthen and cultivate more love in your social relationships. One way is to show that you remember their interests, hobbies, and preferences. Once at a girls’ night, my friend took a bite of one of the snacks that had just been served, then immediately turned to her best friend and said “You will LOVE this!” It was such a small thing, but I found it very touching that she knows her friend’s food preferences so well that upon tasting it, her first thought was how much her BFF would like it. Similarly, I have a friend who dances Bachata, so I occasionally send her videos of Bachata performances. Another friend is trying to eat healthier, so I share relevant recipes when I come across them. All of these are ways of showing that you care about them and want to share in their interests. These examples may seem so natural and obvious to some of you, but for a lot of people, work and family responsibilities take up so much of their mental energy that it does not cross their mind to do little gestures like this. For example, one of my acts of love for friends used to be putting together a care package when they were going through a hard time, like the stress of moving houses or the whole family being down with Covid. This was when I had the time to shop for the items myself, picking out things that I know my friend and her kids and husband would actually use and enjoy. But since I’ve started working full time, I haven’t found the time for such gestures. That is why I now rely more on using technology to stay in touch and let them know I am thinking of them.

The next time a friend reaches out to you, ask them if they want to only be listened to, or given advice, or both. Express your care for their situation without making it about yourself. Support them through acts of service if possible and remember to follow up after some time. The same process can be applied to positive situations as well: if they tell you about something they’ve achieved, praise them and their efforts, resisting any urge to bring up your own similar accomplishment. Follow up later with another congratulatory message or to share a post that is relevant to what they did. Pay attention to their interests, and don’t feel shy to do small acts of love or generosity. Your friendship will grow and strengthen, and both of you will reap the rewards of having the loving support system that we humans all need.