I still remember the last words he told me before we parted ways…now you may ask being a mental health professional how did I not see the red flags. Some people are truly capable of being the watermelon they are, so green on the outside and oh so red on the inside. They disguise themselves so well that we can seldom find out till we are totally tangled.

So, my ex always manipulated me in believing that I was the problem because I suspected the milk like person he is…so pure, just to be cheated upon, not with one but two other women. I was the middle one.

Fortunately, the one after me reached out to me and I in-turn reached out to the senior which is the one before me. So finally, all of us now know about each others existence and of course the ex also got to know that we now know.
Looks like I was the least favourite among the three because I was blamed for everything, I was accused of suspicion and all my suspicions coming true, he accused me of accepting to the junior that I was in a relationship with him. According to him, if you love a person, you should protect the person, by which I should had denied any kind of relationship with him even if I was asked at gun point.

This typically is how a narcissist works.

So, who exactly is a narcissist and how can you spot one?
According to a narcissist, they are the privileged lot. A narcissist dwells on four main characteristics: lack of empathy, grandiosity, sense of entitlement and a chronic need to seek out admiration and validation from others.

A narcissist is usually very cold blooded, even if you cry in front of them, they will have zero empathy, according to them, you are crying for your reaction of how badly they treat you. It is your fault that you reacted to their cruelty, according to them they are privileged, they can act in any way they want but no one should have the audacity to question them. According to a narcissist it is ok to act in a certain way but it is offensive to seek justice.

Narcissists are usually a people pleasers and habitual liars; they will treat any person who they have just met or who they feel will be of some use to them with love and respect but will treat the ones who are part of their life in the most unacceptable way possible. Once a narcissist knows you have love and admiration for them, they start treating you like a slave, as though it’s your prime duty to serve them, the person could be an employee, family member or spouse, once the narcissist gets the hint that we are totally devoted to them, they unleash their true colours.

Narcissistic abuse is a real thing, in this kind of abuse the victim is always made to feel like the predator and narcissist assumes the role of the victim. Narcissists are master manipulators; they will manipulate you in a way that you will end up apologising for reacting to abuse.

I once had a client who told me this “mam I was always made to feel guilty, I will cry so hard and keep repeating that I am sorry, even without knowing what my mistake was or why I am apologising.” This is how a narcissist exactly works, you just do not know what is happening around you, you are constantly made to feel guilty for no mistake of yours.

Intuitions are real, it’s nature’s way of cautioning you. Your intuitions will tell you that something is not right, you go to your narcissistic partner and tell them you feel in a certain way, they will react to it in a way that will make you feel guilty for expressing how you feel. Say for example, you feel your partner is talking to someone from the change in their behaviour, you go tell this to your partner, instead of assuring and reassuring you that you will never be cheated upon, the narcissist will guilt trip you into believing you are a bad person for assuming things and of suspecting them, just for you to find out months later that your intuitions were right and your partner is actually cheating on you.

As hard as it is to stay in a narcissistic relationship, it is much harder to get out of one. These people have a certain way of keeping you in their control. A narcissist in the beginning of the relationship will love bomb you and when slowly you are in so much love they withdraw to a point where you are begging and pleading asking what did you do wrong, what suddenly happened, why are you treated badly? And then comes a day you get tired of questioning, begging for answers and you are not able to take the pain anymore and you decide to move on. That is when the narcissist makes the master stroke, a narcissist always likes to be in control, when they feel they are losing control over you, they breadcrumb you enough for you to believe that they are still so much in love with you and only you, just to fool you into staying in the relationship. They will keep you in the same loop of self doubt, agony, pain and wanting to end the relationship. They will take you to such a high just to drop you down anytime they want.

Getting out of a narcissistic relationship is tough but not impossible. Trust the signs, seek help and come out of it when you see abuse. Abuse is not always physical it is also verbal; it could break a person completely. Do not justify the narcissists actions, prioritise yourself and break the loop.

– By Sandhya Krishnan, Psychologist, Child and Adolescent Counsellor