Being a boy mom means I do not have any daughters to pass down the feminine wisdom I’ve gathered over my lifetime, but I hope sharing some of it with you, dear readers, will benefit you as we reflect on what it means to be a woman, this Women’s Day.

Stop comparing yourself to other women. It is human nature to compare and despair, and this happens more among women than men because of societal conditioning in which women are constantly being assessed. When we notice something impressive that another woman does, instead of simply admiring her for it, we connect it to something lacking in ourselves. For example, I once baked muffins to bring to a friend when visiting her new baby, and she said something about how that made her “look bad”. Why on earth would a new mother feel bad about not baking? That thought would not have crossed her mind had I not brought the muffins. Why should seeing a strength in another woman automatically be perceived as a weakness in ourself? I make such comparisons all the time. I am amazed by women who make the effort to look put together every day when my baseline look is bare-faced and simple. I feel guilty that my friend bakes goodies every weekend for her children to pack in their school lunch, while mine get storebought snacks (I guess my baking days peaked pre-children!). I’m in awe of women who started their own business or are financially independent, while I only have the stamina to work half-days. I’m flabbergasted by ladies who shun carbs and sugar, as I can’t imagine my days without consuming either. The examples are endless, but fortunately I’ve learned a wonderful way to deal with these feelings of inadequacy. It is called “be your own best friend”, and it entails speaking to yourself in the kind, loving, supportive way a best friend would. How would a best friend respond to you telling her you’re feeling down on yourself? She would remind you of all your strengths and attributes, and make you realise that you’re being your own worst critic and unreasonably hard on yourself. If you can learn to do this for yourself, it will unlock a new level of peace and confidence, because ultimately validation should come from within. External validation, or relying on other people to make you feel good about yourself is emotionally immature and unsustainable, so be your own best friend and positive-self talk yourself away from any comparisons.

Stay connected to the older women in your family and seek their advice. As teenagers we start to think that we know more than our parents, and are more likely to value our peers’ opinion over theirs. This attitude may persist into adulthood, especially if you are more highly educated than your mother is. Ladies, please understand that there is no better educator than life, and the mere fact that your mother, grandmother, and aunties have lived much longer than you does in fact qualify them to advise you on many matters. In my case, I would have never been able to successfully settle into life in India after growing up in America if I didn’t regularly consult my mother and mother-in-law on everything from how to run my house, to how to have a more harmonious marriage. I also visit my husband’s grandmother and call my favourite aunt regularly, openly sharing whatever is happening in my life and then ardently listening to any pearls of wisdom they have to offer. Some of you may feel lucky to have a savvy friend that fills this guru-role in your life, but what sets family apart is that they genuinely have your best interest at heart, and they may be more willing to give you frank and honest advice. However it is not always an Agony Aunt style of seeking guidance. Simply listening to their stories about their life experiences can open your eyes to new ways of thinking and new perspectives. You will also feel awe at what these women have faced with quiet fortitude, as our generation shouts our struggles from the rooftops and awards ourselves medals for overcoming them! Your female relatives understand your family dynamics, traditions, and history in a way that friends may not, so do not deprive yourself of this valuable source of guidance and blessings.

Get comfortable speaking up and advocating for yourself. This is especially important when it comes to medical issues, as women’s health is largely under-reasearched. Anecdotally you will find so many examples of women who received the care they needed only because they persisted past whatever perfunctory diagnosis they were given. A friend of mine had a life-threatening childbirth that left her needing a specific kind of postnatal care; therapy for her pelvic floor. You would think her doctor would have prescribed her this therapy, but they never even suggested it. Instead my friend had to keep pushing, asking, and do her own research to figure out what she needed and get the treatment, which ended up being fully covered by her health insurance. Similarly, my sister had a feeling that something was off with her but her doctors did not listen. Only after she persistently bugged her physician best friend to write her a prescription for an MRI, was it discovered that she needed a procedure that ended up giving her a new lease on life. Finally, friends in Chennai who are in perimenopause are frustrated to find that doctors here are biased against hormone replacement therapy, when it could make all the difference to their happiness and comfort in their skin. This advice is not to make you distrustful of doctors or the healthcare system, but simply to urge you to trust your gut feeling and demand the answers you want, without worrying about looking pushy.

My final piece of advice may be slightly controversial, but I have come to believe strongly enough in this to put it in writing. Somewhere along the road, feminism became equated with telling women that they can do no wrong, and that any major life decision they make is perfectly fine as long as it is their own choice. The most common instance of this thinking was in encouraging women to delay marriage and children in favour of establishing their career first. What has resulted from this is more women than ever facing the agony of infertility issues in their 30s and 40s, wishing they had started earlier, not to mention a severely declining birth rate world over. The problem is that no one has the guts to discuss this in frank terms, because it is perceived as insulting and sexist to make any statements regarding women’s age and what age range is ideal for certain phases of life. But ladies, there are biological truths that cannot be argued away, and one of these facts is that a woman’s fertility peaks in her 20s and starts to decline in her 30s. If having a family is important to you, please make it a priority, and have your children young instead of waiting to tick off a bunch of bucket list items first.

Additionally, don’t think of yourself as unambitious or simple if raising a family is more appealing to you than having an illustrious career. Capitalism has made society value making money above all, but raising children and keeping home is not just a perfectly honourable way to spend your life, it is what ensures the continuation of the human race! As for having your children younger rather than older, the former means that they get more time with you and any grandparents–what could be better than that?

To summarise: resist the urge to compare yourself to others and focus on what they do better than you. Be your own best friend and cheerleader, and practice loving, positive self-talk. Make time to talk to the women in your family and ask for their counsel when you need it. Advocate for yourself at home, the workplace, and the doctor’s office, and push until you get the treatment you deserve. Don’t let some arbitrary checklist keep you from delaying your family plans. Most of all, celebrate your womanhood not just on Women’s Day, but every day!