From a young age, many women are conditioned to seek validation from the world around them. Compliments on their appearance, praise for being accommodating, and recognition for their ability to care for others become ingrained as measures of self-worth. But why does this need for external approval run so deep in women?

This cycle of validation is rooted in cultural, mythological, and societal conditioning. Historically, women have been assigned roles that emphasize service to others – whether as daughters, wives, mothers, or employees. Society often measures a woman’s success by how well she fits these expectations. In Hindu mythology, Sita from the Ramayana embodies this deep-rooted conditioning “expected to prove her purity, endure trials, and seek validation from her husband and society”. Similarly, in Greek mythology, Persephone’s fate was largely dictated by the decisions of the men around her, reflecting the age-old narrative of women being valued through the lens of others.

Women are praised for their kindness, patience, and willingness to sacrifice, reinforcing the belief that their worth is dependent on how others perceive them. From an early age, girls are more likely than boys to receive praise for being obedient and agreeable, subtly reinforcing a dependency on external approval rather than internal confidence.

This validation-seeking behavior is further reinforced within family dynamics. In many households, daughters are subtly (or overtly) encouraged to prioritise others’ needs over their own. Parental approval often hinges on their ability to be “good girls” who obey rules, help at home, and avoid conflict. These early experiences shape how women perceive themselves in adulthood, making self-validation a challenging but necessary process.

Beyond family, the influence of media has made external validation almost unavoidable. From childhood fairy tales that glorify the approval of a prince to social media influencers setting impossible beauty and lifestyle standards, women are constantly bombarded with messages that their value depends on external recognition. The constant exposure to curated perfection makes external validation a hard habit to break.

This struggle extends to professional spaces, where women often feel the need to work twice as hard to be recognised. They may be overlooked for promotions, questioned more than their male counterparts, or expected to display likability over assertiveness. This leads to a constant pursuit of validation through performance, achievements, and external recognition, further reinforcing self-doubt and the need for approval.

I know this struggle firsthand. For years, I lived in the shadows of external validation. As a child, I learned that being a good daughter meant excelling in school and making my family proud. In my teenage years, I believed that my worth was defined by how others perceived me – whether I was likable, agreeable, or attractive. I molded myself to fit into societal expectations, sacrificing my own voice for acceptance.

When I became a mother, the weight of validation intensified. I constantly sought approval – was I doing a good job? Was I raising my children right? Was I being the perfect mother, wife, and professional? The more I tried to meet these external standards, the more I lost myself. I was exhausted, anxious, and deeply unfulfilled.

It was only through my journey into therapy and self-awareness that I began to unravel the deep-seated need for validation that had governed my life. The struggle was, and still is REAL. Learning to trust myself, to embrace my choices without needing approval, and to validate my own existence without external applause was not easy. It took years of unlearning, of challenging the beliefs I had carried for decades. Even now, I have moments of doubt, but I no longer let them control me.

The power of internal validation is what ultimately creates true confidence. Recognising the pattern of validation-seeking is the first step. Reflecting on moments when you’ve sought approval, whether for your appearance, decisions, or success, allows you to challenge these patterns. Self-trust comes from tuning into your inner voice rather than external opinions. Start small, make a decision without consulting others, listen to your gut instincts, and affirm your choices even if they aren’t widely accepted.

It’s also crucial to challenge societal norms. Question the messages you’ve internalised about what it means to be a “good woman.” Are these expectations serving you? If not, give yourself permission to redefine them.

Instead of seeking approval, focus on self-validation. Acknowledge your achievements without waiting for praise, dress for yourself instead of others, and set personal goals that align with your values rather than external expectations. Seeking validation often leads to people-pleasing, so learning to set boundaries is key. Learn to say no without guilt, prioritise your needs, and surround yourself with those who respect your boundaries.

And here is a truth we, as women, need to embrace: ‘when we learn to self-validate, we will still be loved and respected’. The fear that we will be abandoned or unloved if we stop seeking approval is deeply ingrained, but it is also false. The people who truly value us, who love us for who we are, not just for what we can do for them – will remain. The ones who disappear? Perhaps they were only there because of what they could receive from us. And if that’s the case, do we really need their presence to hinder and hurt us?

Self-compassion plays a vital role in this process. Replace self-criticism with self-kindness. Instead of seeking validation from others, AFFIRM yourself: I am enough. My worth is not dependent on external approval.

Finally, creating a supportive inner circle helps reinforce self-validation. While the journey toward self-trust is deeply personal, having a strong support system of people who uplift and encourage you—without making you feel the need to constantly prove yourself, makes all the difference.

Women don’t need permission to take up space, voice their opinions, or make decisions based on their own intuition. The moment a woman stops waiting for external approval, she steps into her power. True confidence is built from within, it comes from recognising your worth, honoring your choices, and trusting yourself fully. When a woman no longer seeks validation from the world, she becomes unstoppable.

As we celebrate Women’s Day, it’s crucial to recognise how deeply ingrained external validation is in many women’s lives. From an early age, women are often seen, and see themselves, as extensions of others: daughters molded by parental expectations, wives balancing societal norms, mothers prioritising children’s needs, and professionals striving to prove their worth. This relentless focus on fulfilling roles for others can make it challenging for women to develop a sense of self beyond these identities.

Women’s Day serves as a powerful reminder that true empowerment lies not in seeking approval but in embracing one’s own worth, independent of external validation. It is a CALL to shift from being defined by relationships to being defined by self-trust, purpose, and inner confidence. The journey is ongoing, but every step taken toward self-trust is a step toward true freedom.

“The moment a woman stops waiting for permission, she steps into her power.”

By Surbhi S, Chennai-based facilitator of Safe Space for exploring various dimemsions if wellness, a psychotherapist and humanitarian. Author of award winning book “Kintsugi – broken not beaten”.