My elder son is jealous of the younger one. He scratches him, takes away toys, pulls me away from him. What to do?
— It happens if a child’s doesn’t get enough attention from parents. The first thing parents should do is spend personal time with their older child, one on one. Thirty minutes a day or 1-2 hours on weekends. This should be quality time and something that your child loves. It could be hugging or reading, or playing hide and seek. It’s important to identify what is the activity that gives him great feeling of being loved, making him or her important and worthy.

Shall I be forcing a child to do something around the house? Ignores my requests.
— You shouldn’t force, but you need to set a discipline, to motivate, toyou’re your child interested in the responsibilities. Unfortunately you didn’t mention your child’s age. Depending on age I can give more exact recommendations.

The child is afraid to fight back against the offender. He argues that he could be hit even harder. How to react?
— Children need to be taught to resolve conflicts without physical fights. This is the last resort. But if the other person doesn’t understand the words at all, then it might be necessary to fight back and defend yourself. You need to work on your child’s confidence. And I recommend to all mothers to enroll their sons to some martial art classes, where they can learn basic ethics, self-defense and gain confidence.

My child bites me when he doesn’t like something. Should I bite him to teach that’s its painful or be offended in response?
— To address this issue I need to know the age of the child. Do not bite back or be offended. Do not punish a child also. It is necessary to develop the child’s emotional intelligence and teach him how to properly express his emotions in a constructive way. And mom, in turn, needs to build her own boundaries. And make sure she understands and meets the needs of her child.

How do I respond to children’s aggression?
— Aggression is again about emotional intelligence. Their social skills need to be developed, child needs to understand his emotions and feeling, he needs to be taught how to express them. If any family member expresses his anger through aggression, the child might take it as a norm. We need to work on this.

How important is the role of a father to a 1.5-2 year old child?
—A father is important to both boys and girls at any given age, though involvement in bringing up is generally less at younger age because babies are more with mothers. Relationship between mother and father is important to a child. Thus I would recommend to fathers to take care of the mother of his child as much as of the baby or even slightly more. The atmosphere at home is very important for your child’s psychological safety.

What to do if the father insults the mother in front of the child? Should I explain this to the father in front of the child or remain silent?
— There is no need to sort things out around a child. It doesn’t matter whether a man insults a woman in front of a child or not. A woman should be able to say that this cannot be done to her in any situation. You need to express your feelings and protect your boundaries without scandals. Children are influenced by open conflicts and also by bitter atmosphere in the family where resentments and complaints pile up. You need to work on your relationship with your partner and explain to your child that conflict between parents are not his fault.

I left my husband and we are at the stage of divorce, but we are not divorced yet and we can still get everything back. But I can’t make a decision. I left him because he makes up lies about me, believes it himself and tries to convince me it’s true. For example, he says that I am cheating on him and as a professional, I’m a failure. I feel devalued. He also demands me to earn more (we have two children, I work). At first I was patient, just going to another room to avoid conflict but then it became impossible, my patience ran out. Why yell at me and say something that doesn’t exist?’
— He’s not bad. He loves children, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drinks much, works, built a house for us, but if my tire breaks on the road, he won’t come to help me and tells me to manage it myself. He is manipulative, he tells me: “You’re crazy, you don’t know how other men treat their wives, I spoiled you, what else do you want?” But I need love, I haven’t received birthday gifts for 10 years. Could it be that I am too demanding? And I’m scared to be left alone, and I don’t want to live under humiliation either. Please tell me what to do.

You say that you are not divorced yet and you can turn it back. What would you like to bring back? Accusations? Humiliation? Manipulation?
— Perhaps there were a lot of good things in your relationship too, but you didn’t write about it. You have written that he is not a bad person. But as a husband, these are completely different things. If you want to return to this marriage, then you need to focus on the second, because in general he can be a wonderful person. But you must be wondering if he doesn’t help you, doesn’t recognise your work, doesn’t express love and tenderness, then what is his value as a husband to you? The decision to stay or leave can only be made by you. Unfortunately, no one can do this for you. Therefore, I won’t give you advice, but only my opinion. It’s not normal. The fact that he accuses you of cheating, accuses you of belonging to a cult, or evaluates you as a professional loser is not normal. This attitude has nothing to do with the spousal support that should exist in a marriage. Especially if this is accompanied by screams on his part. Also, the demand that you earn more, in my opinion, is inadequate on the part of your husband. And the lack of help in a situation when a wheel breaks on the road is also an indicator of his attitude towards you. He is gaslighting you, trying to convince you that you perceive everything incorrectly. Like, everything is fine with us compared to other families. But you should not look at others you should rely not on own feelings and see whether your needs are met.

If you want love and don’t get it for ten years, then I wouldn’t say you’re too demanding. In my opinion, you are not demanding enough for your husband to fulfill his duty. The fact that he built a house is wonderful, but the husband’s task does not end there. We need to live in such a way that love, support, mutual understanding and mutual respect reign in this house. Otherwise this house will turn into a prison.

Ultimately, you need to weigh the pros and cons to make a decision. And also think about the prospects. What is the probability that you will not meet anyone and will remain alone for the rest of your life if you divorce your husband? And is it possible that he will change and give you love, support and stop hurting you? Emdr therapy helps in fighting fears and building self-confidence. As a specialist I can recommend to start with this so that you can make a right decision for yourself and your family.

• Jane Kataria is an author of transformational programs and expert on mindful living. She conducts on-line courses and retreat programs at her eco-bamboo hotel in Goa. She is an actress, model, judge of fashion shows, and a beauty queen. She is also a TV host and hosted her own radio show on Chennailive FM. Jane’s acting skills are also noteworthy, having acted in Indian movies and TV serials. You can mail your questions to janekataria@gmail.com