Many deride Valentine’s Day as a purely commercial holiday, where corporations pressure us to express romance through flowers, gifts, and fancy dinners. But I believe February 14th can serve as a reminder for people to evaluate their relationships. Anyone who has been married a long time knows how easy it is to settle into a comfortable routine; the passionate arguments of the early days give way to sweeping things under the rug and going along to get along. On the surface this looks like an improvement, but the reality is that leaving issues unaddressed is more harmful. Repressed feelings can result in a blow up over something seemingly small, or frustration being taken out on children and employees. It can also lead to indifference, which is a death sentence for any relationship.

I’ve been thrilled to see that these days, Indians are more willing to talk about relationships and mental health, and many embrace therapy without any embarrassment. But this is a huge jump from our parents’ generation, which had a lower bar for a happy union, and which would have scoffed at therapy. Therefore, some of us might still need a push to not take our relationship for granted, but to instead exercise good relationship hygiene by regularly evaluating and nurturing it, even if that means having some uncomfortable conversations.

Even if Valentine’s Day is not for you, I hope you will consider some of these ways to keep your relationship healthy, honest, and thriving.

Have a regular clearing house session
As we mature, we find it easier to accept things that bother us, for the sake of keeping the peace. But if both partners are willing to put ego aside and communicate respectfully, they don’t have to settle this way. That’s why couples therapists recommend having a weekly regular meeting where both of you can calmly discuss any issues that occurred in the past week. Reneging on a commitment, making a hurtful joke, neglecting to appreciate something you worked hard on: this is your time to express what you didn’t like, and offer a suggestion as to how you would prefer to be treated. A key element of this session is to have it in a public place like a coffee shop, because it will ensure you both remain civil and refrain from raising voices. Keeping it a regularly scheduled event is much more effective than spontaneously having the discussion at home, because the latter will feel like an attack and elicit a defensive stance. When both parties go into the session knowing what to expect, they are less likely to be defensive. Another crucial point is to avoid starting your statements with “You” and stick to “I” statements as much as possible: “I feel hurt when you joke about my parents” is better than “You always make mean jokes about my parents”. Schedule this session in your Google calendars, make it a weekly recurrence, treat it with the same respect as you would a work meeting, and you’ll be amazed at how good it feels to get these things off your chest and see your partner acknowledge them and strive to improve.

Express gratitude once a day
It is so easy to take something for granted when you get used to it. Your husband making you coffee every morning, your wife getting up with the kids so you can get extra sleep, your partner handling the daily admin duties of your household. Even if you think the gesture to be small, the bare minimum, or expected, try thanking your partner at least once a day for something they did. Or just appreciate something about them that doesn’t have to do with you, like how they showed up for a friend or accomplished something at work. These statements will make your loved one feel seen and appreciated, and just as a child beams from a compliment and tries to earn more, your partner will do the same. But of course, the goal is not to get them to do more of that thing, but simply to let them know that you are aware of the act and the love behind it.

Increase physical touch
We Indians have never been big on public displays of affection. My family business involves making wedding albums, and till date I have never seen a photo of an Indian couple kissing on the lips in any album! Many of us live with other family members and domestic help, making canoodling even more awkward and unlikely. However, increasing physical touch throughout the day is just as important to maintaining intimacy as sex is. I would argue that it becomes even more important when a variety of factors slow down the sex life, like age, stress, etc. Surprising your partner with a hug from behind, giving them a quick shoulder rub when they are on the computer, and kissing them on the cheek when they come home from work will increase those love hormones and make you feel connected throughout the day. As for feeling shy in front of others, therapists say that it is very positive and healthy for your children to see these displays of affection, even if they act grossed out by it! Modelling a healthy relationship sets them up to have one of their own as an adult, so get over the shyness and go give your partner a squeeze.

Find a shared hobby or interest
As the years go by in your marriage, it is inevitable that interests may diverge, and you each pursue your own hobbies. One partner gets into racquet sports while the other enjoys taking online courses. Or one of you decides to quit alcohol while the other loves visiting the local watering hole every Friday without fail. It is perfectly fine to have your own space and interests, but drifting too far apart may lead you to living parallel lives. Therefore it is worthwhile to look for an activity you can do together, like joining a salsa class or getting certified in scuba diving. This provides an opportunity to see your partner outside of your usual domestic setting, and to make new memories together. If full schedules or young children make joining a class tough, keep it simple by choosing something you can do at home, like watching a TV series or playing chess.

Stay present and practice active listening
Unfortunately, it is easy to treat our partners with less respect than we would someone we feel more formal with, like a friend or coworker. As your wife starts talking to you about the hard day she had with the kids, you may think you can check your email on the phone while still listening to her. But anyone knows when they don’t have your full attention, and this can make them feel small and less willing to share anything. To listen actively means to make eye contact, show understanding by nodding, and to wait until they are finished before responding. A friend of mine gave me a great tip: when she or her husband want to vent, the other will first ask “Do you need me to just listen or do you want solutions?” Then you know exactly what they need from you and can respond accordingly. Many women can relate to just wanting to be heard and supported, and not wanting advice. Men on the other hand may feel you haven’t really listened if you don’t offer a suggestion of what to do. Whatever the case, give them your full attention, even if they are relating a seemingly trivial story, because this keeps the crucial friendship element of the marriage strong.

The huge increase in divorce rates in India show us that the old days of passive acceptance and resignation are no more. People want marriages that are thriving rather than surviving, and they aren’t willing to settle for less, even if it means breaking up a family. So let’s put in the work to keep our relationships strong and harmonious by checking in regularly, and doing any of the above practices even if they force us outside of our comfort zone.