The defining narrative of my life is that I straddle two cultures. As a first generation American, I thumbed my nose at my parents’ attempts to make me embrace their culture, refusing Bharatanatyam and Carnatic singing classes, and making friends mostly with my white peers in spite of the huge number of Indians at my school. That is why it shocked everyone when I ended up marrying an Indian boy and settling down in Chennai at 22 years old, with no plans of ever moving back to the States. And while I had the chance to meet other expats through various groups here, I have only made lasting friendships with born and bred Indians, greatly relying on their guidance to assimilate into my new home.

However, the blessed internet allowed me to stay in touch with American culture, which led me to constantly compare and contrast it with Indian societal norms. These comparisons reached a fever pitch when I became a parent, with my older sister urging me to follow American parenting styles while my new friends did things the Indian way. I ended up trying both, doing whatever it took to stay relatively sane, and now that I’ve been a parent for ten years, I can identify which are the smartest aspects of Western and Eastern child-rearing. I hereby give you my opinion on the most worthwhile cultural exchange of parenting practices:

American: Enforce an Early Bedtime and Encourage Independent Sleeping
How I wish Indian parents would take sleep as seriously as they do food consumption! When it comes to the latter, even the most modern Indian mother reverts to the archaic practice of force feeding. There isn’t actual force involved, but they bamboozle the child into taking bites through distraction with toys, or as one friend did, taking their child to the terrace for meals so they can watch the crows, mouth agape and ready for the spoon! These parents hand feed their children long past the age that it’s necessary and constantly fret over portions, lamenting a child who isn’t apparently eating enough or drinking enough milk. But for some reason, a baby’s sleep is not treated with the same importance, and there is an “anything goes” attitude.

Many Indian parents don’t have a nap schedule, nor do they think of the baby’s bedtime as being a fixed time that is different from the adult’s. Here’s some scientifically backed wisdom from what I consider to be the sleep Bible, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth, that would comprise my response to these folks: sleep is just as essential to a child’s development as is food. They need far more sleep than adults do, and cat naps on-the-go or in noisy, bright rooms do not count as quality sleep. Putting them to bed later does not mean they will sleep later in the morning, and this plus the lack of naps is how a sleep deficit forms. Finally, and this is most crucial to understand: sleep once lost, is lost forever. A little one can always eat more food the next day, but they cannot actually catch up on any sleep that they have missed. Look up how many hours of sleep are needed at each age and you will be amazed! Treat bedtime as an immovable pillar, start a soothing evening routine an hour before that time so the baby will learn “Oh, this means I am going to sleep soon”, and watch as they go down with ease after just one week of consistency. Don’t be swayed by family members who say that the baby should adjust to your schedule instead. A well-rested infant will be calmer throughout the day, will reach their milestones on time, and you will be able to rely on their naps and night sleep as time to rest or get things done.

Sleeping independently may be a tougher practice for Indian parents to adopt because co-sleeping/a family bed is such an ingrained part of our culture. My 10 year old son complains to me that he is the only one of his classmates that doesn’t sleep with a parent! I was surprised to learn that this co-sleeping continues past the toddler stage, and I can’t help but wonder what impact this has on a couple’s intimacy. That itself is enough reason to resist co-sleeping – intimacy is integral to a happy marriage, and you should nurture your marriage as much as you do your children. But there are more reasons: being able to fall asleep independently is a crucial skill for preventing sleep difficulties in adulthood. A child who gets accustomed to lying in bed, awake for some time, before drifting off to sleep without an adult next to him for comfort is being set up for a lifetime of good sleep habits. Furthermore, co-sleeping certainly causes a child’s bedtime to be later than it should be, because what adult wants to be in bed by 8:00pm? (Yes parents, that is how early your kids should be sleeping on a school night!) Finally, those couple of quiet hours between the children’s and adults’ bedtime are vital downtime for you. You deserve to watch your not-so-kid-friendly shows with the volume up, or to scroll on your phone in full brightness rather than hiding it under the covers. If you feel uneasy about sleeping separately, there are many baby monitors available to give you peace of mind, so pick one up and get ready to get your evenings back!

Indian: Relax Boundaries, Ditch the Guilt and Ask for Help
This Indian parenting style is dependent on the presence of multi-generational support, which unfortunately is less prevalent in America. The joint family system plus the Indian tendency to stay close to where your family is means that there are grandparents, aunts, and uncles around to make up the village it takes to raise a child. A friend of mine described it as “pass the parcel” between her and her sister-in-law, referring to the way they hand the kids back and forth to each other, dividing up taking them to extracurriculars, parties and playdates. This is historically the way mothers have survived; communal living in which this massive responsibility is shared, lightening the load on each mom’s shoulders and enriching the child’s life with all the more familial love.

But the Western emphasis on the nuclear family and self-reliance makes American parents reluctant to ask for help, even if family members are nearby, because they feel it’s mom and Dad’s job to raise the kids and no one else’s. There seems to be more formality and stricter boundaries; for example, an American parent may consider it overstepping for a relative to scold or discipline their child, while an Indian parent wouldn’t mind at all. Likewise, American parents would keep a mental tally of how often they’ve asked grandparents to babysit, not wanting to overdo it, whereas many of my Chennai friends pack their kids off to the grandparents house every weekend without fail, no formal please and thank yous needed! That is why I would urge American parents who are fortunate enough to have family around to be less shy about asking for help – you don’t have to wait until you are near your breaking point, you’re allowed to ask just for the sake of making life a little bit easier. And if your relatives are ready and willing to pitch in, accept that you may have to relax some boundaries, like your kids staying up later than you prefer or eating some junk that you would never give them at your house. Trust me, the trade-off is more than worth it!

As for guilt, it’s that admirable attribute of independence and self-reliance that makes these moms feel guilty about taking help if they don’t absolutely need it. They also feel guilty to spend any time away from their kids, because somewhere in the past couple decades being a good mother became equated with keeping your child at the center of your universe, giving them your body and soul! I myself have faced much judgment from Americans for having nannies when I wasn’t working, but it never affected me because motherhood itself is a 24 hour job, and having help gave me breathing room and rest that in turn made me a far better mother. So if you’re privileged enough to get some assistance whether through family or hiring someone, please don’t let guilt prevent you from taking it, when it truly can benefit both you and your child.

Just because we are born into a society that does things a certain way, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain open to new approaches. Aren’t we fortunate to be able to see how different cultures do things, and cherry-pick what we like? I hope you find the best blend of parenting practices for you and your family. Keep an eye on this column for more parenting cultural exchange tips in the future, dear readers!